“You did such a great job! What an inspired workout.” Who are these workout videos really kidding?

My wife occasionally uses workout videos to help her train. The continuous flow of pseudoscience and hilarious motivational speaking have both of us in stitches.

Here’s a short sample of what we’ve heard over the past couple days:

1. Thighs are small muscles. No. Not really. They just don’t get worked out a lot.

2. These exercises will lengthen your body parts. Wow. If we work out enough, we’ll be as tall as Shaq then? Or perhaps only our arms will stretch out, allowing us to drag our knuckles along the ground. Not quite my objective, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

3. If you make noise you are not using your muscles. Say what? Ever hear of the karate shout “kiai” that is used to harden your entire body and transmit maximal force to the point of strike? Perhaps the grunts and groans of pro tennis players are simply because they are slacking on the court. I guess if you’re wearing spandex on TV, you must know what you’re doing.

4. You’re doing awesome! I’m so proud of you. Really? You recorded this stupid show five years ago and somehow are peering through my TV to remotely critique my technique and effort? That’s not motivating. It’s creepy. Big Brother is watching isn’t going to get me to pump that last pushup out or straighten my back that little bit more during a squat. Nor is it going to keep me from squealing like a little girl when I get up from my twentieth burpie (please refer to point 3 above.)

5. It’s okay to shake. Don’t use that as a distraction. We’ve noticed that you’re shaking, too. It’s easy to pick out now that we’re both sitting on the couch munching on some popcorn and laughing our butts off. Laughter is good exercise, you know.

Time to high five the TV and strip out of these sweaty tights. I’m awesome. The recording said so.

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